I Really Don't Know What to Title This

Remember how the zodiac signs changed recently? I found a document on my laptop which I had written around that time. Just ratted out whatever was on my mind, no editing, no revising. I found it again while randomly going through my laptop when I was getting bored, and it made for...an interesting read. I'm reproducing it here, with no changes whatsoever. Here goes.

Apparently due to some shift in the Earth’s position shit, a thirteenth sign called Ophiuchus or some such has been added and every sign’s dates have been changed. I’ve turned from a Gemini to a Taurus overnight. It just feels a little weird but apart from that I don’t really get affected by these things. I don’t think I believe in these things. Apparently the only reason that the number of signs initially was 12 was because Ptolemy was a very geometrical man and didn’t think 13 was a very symmetrical number. And according to Hindu astrology, we are all unique and cannot be clubbed together into any “signs.” We’re all free agents and because there are an infinite number of variations of the Earth’s position with respect to the Sun and the moon, we’re unique. Each and every one of us. I read Swami Vivekananda’s Chicago addresses, I found his speeches at the World Parliament of Religions in 1893 on WikiSource and read them all. It was actually pretty nice. He was talking about religious tolerance and universality and Buddhism and other religions. His main thing though was a long paper he presented on Hinduism there, like the seminars that happen at our college through which most of us sleep. It was amazing though, in the sense that it didn’t talk about Gods or Godesses, barely took any names. It was so philosophical. It enmeshed religion, science and philosophy all at the same time. It talked about how as opposed to Christianity where people are sinners, Hindus believe that each being is divine and has the God within him. And how the ultimate goal is to realise this God and stop tying down your soul to matter. How the soul is eternal, simply jumping from centre to centre or body to body when one dies. How God was eternal and creation was eternal, even providing a scientific explanation for it. How idolatry was simply the common man’s effort to reach this ultimate goal, his path to higher knowledge and wisdom. It was pretty interesting actually. Who knew I would ever be interested in spirituality and God?!

I think there’s a clear line of difference between religion and spirituality, and a very distinct one at that. I don’t think I’m a big fan of religion. Someone once told me that temples are filled with pretentious people. Some people go to the temple because they truly want to pray but some go because they want to show that they pray. I think that's true. Anyway I don’t like the idea of different religions with different Gods and different beliefs. I think there is a God, yes. I’m not atheistic or even agnostic, contrary to what my Facebook page says. I should change that actually. But I don’t know what the technical term for it is. S put it very succinctly once when I asked her if she believed in God, “I believe in God but I don’t believe in religion.”

I used to be agnostic, hence the Facebook status. But I think I started believing in God because of my NLUD entrance result. To get me in after 2-3 days of study was a miracle. It may be cheesy, but that is my belief. And I don’t pretend to be deep or spiritual or in touch with that side of me, if there is one, but I have a few measly beliefs and hopefully I will stick to them.

I think there’s someone up there who’s looking at all of us. And I think it’s very simple to be “good” in life. I think there are some basic principles which one must obey to be “good.” Simple things, you know, as long as you’re essentially a good person. Sweet speech, respect for those who deserve it, love to your parents and family and so on. That’s why I honestly don’t see anything wrong in premarital sex or homosexuality. It’s just an alternate life choice; it’s simply an expression of love, whether it be love with the opposite sex, love with the same sex or love with animals. Although with bestiality, the whole animal rights issue comes into play so I’m not very clear on that. But after all, wouldn’t one rather see an expression of love than guns and war? The more the love, the better the world. And I’m proud to believe that, however gay it may sound. =P

I don’t know about the afterlife. I don’t know if you go to heaven if you’re “good” in this life or not, but somehow I think it’s important to be “good.” I’m not “good” by my own standards, what with all the foul language and all. But I like to think that I’m essentially a good person, even if that’s only about 75% true.

I don’t like the idea of different religions because too often it leads to conflict. I think spirituality is different. It’s more like, getting to know yourself and trying to be in touch with your inner true self. Getting to know your soul and trying to rise above the everyday, the routine, the worldly. You know, achieving that higher knowledge. Swami Vivekananda says that each one of us has the capability to get in touch with God. Like, actually, get in touch. Hear his voice et al. Because that is the ultimate end. And we also have the capability to realise what our past life was like. If only we let go of matter, if only our soul stops being tied down to the physical, the worldly. I’d like to believe that. It would be awesome if I could hear what God was saying to me. I think that is spirituality. Trying to realise the divine within you. Maybe that IS the core of religion, in particular, Hinduism. To Swami Vivekananda it certainly seemed to be. But to me religion has always implied stories and Gods and idols and rosaries and material things. Swami Vivekananda says these are simply aids to the ultimate divine realisation. But how can you get in touch with yourself by using these things? Religion somehow has always seemed...crude, to me. Layman. Crass.

P.S. The credit for making me think about such things and put them down in writing goes partially to one very good friend, who doesn't read my blog as far as I know, but I'd like to acknowledge him here nonetheless. I would never have got around to penning this down or reading those speeches if it weren't for him, and now I'm glad I did.

Update: Just in case you're interested, click here for the speeches.

Main tumhri daasi, janam ki pyaasi

Tum hi ho mera shringar preetam.

Tumhare raste ki dhool le kar

Main maang apni sada bharungi,

Sada bharungi.

What Went Before

I remember how it started. I had dozed off on my bed, under my all-too-comfortable blanket, surrounded by thick Physics textbooks from which I was supposed to be solving Rotation problems (suckiest Physics topic ever btw). I had slept through the dawn of the year, woken some 40 minutes later, only to realize I had missed the advent of 2010. The arrival of the "most crucial year of my life." The one that would make me or break me. 2010 was to be the proverbial 'it'.

The second thought that popped into my mind was, "FUCK. How am I ever gonna finish Rotation by 4 am now?"

I still remember.

2010 had found me completely disheveled, not only hair-wise, but also life-wise. There were tests at my Pre-Med coaching center almost everyday, and the Boards were fast approaching. I wasn't doing too well on either count. The Boards I just didn't care about. But the worst part was that for my coaching, I knew I could have done extremely well. If only I had just had the inclination to.

My Pre Boards weren't too great, if I remember correctly. Just about decent. The practicals of course, were nothing but cheating and fraudies, especially when it came to Physics. I remember I had the simplest electricity experiment, something about simple diodes and p-n junctions, but me being me, I had no idea what to connect where and how to differentiate between the connections for the red and black wires. I had hurriedly written down the correct observations that I had memorized beforehand from a friend's file and disconnected the apparatus before the examiner came around to check. "Sir, I was in a hurry to move on to the next experiment," accompanied by an innocent face. Worked wonders.

Of course, close to full marks were guaranteed to almost all the students by our internal teachers as far as the practicals were concerned.

Then came the Boards. I went through them somehow and they didn't go as well as I would have wanted them to. But CBSE people are very lenient markers and I ended up with a percentage much higher than I was expecting (91), and though it wasn't a great one or anything, I was more than satisfied.

The entrance exam period seemed to stretch on forever. I was basically tied down until about the middle of June since for Pre-Med kids there are so many different tests to take. Not to mention the fact that I wasn't at all certain about what I wanted to do in life, all of 18 years old, so I took tests for 5 different fields. Most of them were decent but I got a breakthrough with NLUD. I saw the result around the middle of May and since that day I almost stopped studying, even though the subsequent Pre-Meds were supposed to be my main focus. But I was pretty happy with NLUD.

College has passed by in a whoosh. However much we moan about how much college sucks and how we have no freedom, I for one, am pretty happy where I am. Mainly because of the people. The people were the one reason I was completely against MBBS, and it's really paid off. It gives me supreme satisfaction when now at college I'm talking and people around me actually know and relate to whatever the hell it is I happen to be bullshitting about at that moment. All in all, it's been a great semester and I couldn't have asked for better.

So here's wishing goodbye to 2010. It definitely wasn't one of the best years of my life and I'm glad it's over, but it was probably the one that has brought on the most transition and change for me (yet), and I'm just happy that the change was a good one.

Scratch that. An awesome one.

P.S. Happy New Year everyone.

P.P.S. This one's for you, Nidhi Chikkerur. =D

Stuck in a Moment

She licked her lips. Her throat was parched. She thought back to the last time liquid had passed down her throat. It seemed like eons ago. In actuality it had only been two seconds. She saw the jug of water and empty glass on the kitchen counter out of the corner of her eye. She contemplated lunging for it, almost as if it were a final shield, the last wall between her and what was to come. But she couldn't. She seemed to be rooted to the spot.

She could smell her own fear.

She knew she must go in soon. He would be expecting her. She could see a sliver of the room through the door from where she stood. He had dimmed the lights and thrown the room into a complete shadow of darkness. Ingenious, she thought. She had always loathed darkness. It would always seem to envelop her, press on her shoulders like some heavy burden, on her throat like some murderer. She would choke, suffocate in the darkness, tonight. He knew this. And she wouldn't be able to see what he was doing to her, only feel it. Maybe that would be better?

It would be excruciatingly painful, though. She knew that much.

She could make out his silhouette. He had left the door ajar just so that she could see he was naked. He would have no trouble, she knew. He was familiar with her body, just as she was familiar with the pain. This routine was regular. She had been surprised how well he had found his own way around her the first time, though. She had realized only much later that he would have done this to many women before her. When she had, she had been sick. Right into the kitchen dustbin, the very same that was lying a few feet away from her now. Overcome with waves of disgust and abhorrence. It wasn't the fact that he had experience, it was that he hadn't bothered telling her just how much.

The same emotions coursed through her veins now. She could almost feel the steamy waves of her intense disgust coming off of her. Her fear had morphed into hate.

She knew her job. It was simple enough, to say the very least. All she needed to do was go in, quickly strip and lie down. He would take all the work upon himself. But he would be brutal, forceful and rapid. And he would try something different every time. Inflicting pain on her seemed to give him some kind of savage pleasure. His latest indulgence had cost her quite a bit. She would wake up with blue-black bruises all over her arms, legs and torso. Especially legs.
She had had to completely cover her body to go to work, and it was the height of summer. It would always raise uninvited questions.

She knew he would do something similar today. She could feel it.

She realized that she had been standing there too long. She put away her fear, her hate, and braced herself for the pain. When it came to him, what choice did she have? She would get used to it, she coaxed herself.

She knew it was a lie.

She took a step forward.

Port Blair 2010

I like the way the sea glistens in the sunlight, each molecule so radiant that it may blind you.

I like how the sea stretches out to meet the sky, after traveling apart for so many miles, almost as if two rivals agree to let bygones be bygones and come together in a final embrace.

I like the way the leaves shine after the rain. They almost look happy.

I like to know that there is a civilization living amongst these trees, however primitive. That people still dwell in forests, forests so dense that the sunlight barely reaches the ground. That there are still humans who do not bother to cover themselves with cloth, and sustain themselves on the fruits of the trees around them.

I like how the receding wave lessens the impact of the oncoming one, how something so small can impede something so large, if not stop it altogether.

I like to stumble in the water when a large wave completely submerges me, and to lick my lips and taste the salt once it's gone, taste its only remnant and try to remember the sensation for as long as possible.

I like that moment of anticipation when you've seen the enormous wave of turquoise that inundates your eyes and you know it's going to hit you any second now, and all you can do is stand riveted on the spot, mesmerized by its beauty and its magnitude, completely at its mercy, how man ultimately is no match for nature.

I like the vividness of colors that exists in this place, how you can find a deep purple piece of shell on the beach that is excruciatingly beautiful, and yet realize that the color of the sea under full sunlight still tops its beauty.

I like how the rain and sun seem to coexist so harmoniously with each other, one making an appearance barely two seconds after the other has disappeared, how the Sun doesn't even deign to hide its face while the rain pours over the sunlit leaves.

Reading This Will Not Help You In Any Way

Sometimes I think love is a cheat.

Think about it. They meet, start dating, fall in love, get married. Seems simple enough at the surface. But what if we try and probe a little deeper?
The first date. I can't speak for guys, but I know girls will spend at least an hour obsessing over what to wear, how to do their hair, which shoes, and all that bullcrap. Especially if they think the guy's worth it. And during the date itself, they'll make an effort to be exactly the kind of person he wants so that they can be irresistible, or at least as close to that as is possible within the scope of one date. And I think this is true for the guys as well. In short, both of them will want to come off as the ideal girlfriend/boyfriend.

This will go on for many many dates. Once they're certain that the other is pretty close to falling in love with them, they'll let their true colors show, roaming around in sweatpants and a dirty tee, not bothering about the hair or make-up, and putting their characteristic faults and defects on display for the other to see. The world sees this as 'being comfortable with each other' and 'getting to know one another.' But is it really?

Let's see this from my perspective now. Once this side of their character comes out, the other person in the relationship is in so deep there's no way he can get out now. So he convinces himself that it's 'love.' And that love for another person encompasses love for their defects, their faults. That to love another is to love them as a whole, love the good stuff AND the bad stuff. I guess we can thank popular culture for that one.
And so the poor fool deludes himself into believing that he is falling in love with the other. Some more time later, and he is in too deep, so 'in love' with the other person that he won't end the relationship even if almost everything about the other person irks him to death.

Love has played a game on him. And now he's falling into the abyss.

Movies

1. Bride Wars

Cast: Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway, Candice Bergen
Rating: 2/5

In my defense, I was really bored. A week of vacation, followed by the announcement that our first terms had been merged with the second terms, left me no incentive whatsoever to study. In any case, I somehow find it impossible to study at home. Now I know what the hostelers at school kept talking about.
So even though I knew Imma get ultra-fucked in my second terms because now they have double the marks and double the course, which means a devastatingly vast one, I couldn't find it in myself to pick up a book out of the huge pile I had brought home with the intention and resolve of studying from, and open it, let alone read a few lines of it.

But I digress. The point is, I knew this movie was bound to be an archetypal chick flick, which is one genre of movie I don't like very much. But I figured it would provide some time-pass entertainment at the very least. Besides, both the main protagonists (Hudson and Hathaway) are known to be decent actors.

I couldn't have been farther from the truth.

2. Secretary

Cast: James Spader, Maggie Gyllenaal
Rating: 4/5

This movie follows the story of a mentally disturbed young woman who has just recently been released from a mental hospital but continues to suffer from an extreme case of masochism, which manifests itself in the form of self-injury. She is soon employed as the secretary of an attorney, who is a ruthless workaholic, but also has his own problems of sadism. He is sexually aroused by her submission, as it enables him to be the dominant personality in their complicated relationship.

The good thing about this movie is that it showcases a completely new approach to the subject of sadomasochism. It is neither trying to be overtly humorous (case in point: I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry, which approached the slightly tricky subject of homosexuality with eyeglasses tainted with crass and vulgar humour. Not that there's anything wrong with that), nor overtly preachy. It makes a rather bold statement, but in the subtlest of ways. And the acting on both the main characters' parts is par excellence, especially Gyllenhaal's. This was a major breakthrough for her as an actress, and she has done a good job of proving herself and her skills to the Hollywood community at large.